Never Uniforget, Volume I

Yesterday morning, in the span of an hour, I watched this trailer and saw some guy talking about cool new clothing trends for men on my local Fox affiliate. I couldn't find my remote and Regis and Kelly were just two channels away! So frustrating. But the point is that during that hour I was reminded yet again that fashion is seriously the dumbest thing. The worst. That said, I would like to introduce our new running feature: Never Uniforget, in which I take a look back at some of my favorite long lost uniforms and uniform trends. Let's "make it work," guys.

Well this man knows what's up. Today's Milwaukee Brewers uniforms are so lame. Whoever designed them sure "brewed" up something bland! (Don't throw your underwear at me and the brick wall behind me because this is a comedy club and I am killing it all at once, ladies.) Nobody these days rocks the classic blue and yellow. In 4,000 years, space historians and cyborg Mitch Albom will look back and remember regular old blue and yellow so much more fondly than this dark blue and gold business. Because the fact of the matter is: you can't do better than the best and you can't make a logo that has more hidden letters than this one. The glove is made up of an "m" and a "b," guys. Reassemble your exploded minds, please, we have more to discuss. Brewers Glove Cap: Never Uniforget.

The '90s: a fun time for the NBA. Dennis Rodman was dying his hair, Lil Penny was still on TV, Shawn Bradley still had a career. Today, everything is sleek and cool. Chris Bosh would not be seen in a cactus uniform. Even Marcin Gortat would not be seen in a cactus uniform. But back then, uniforms with cacti made sense somehow and that is a wonderful thing. Fans didn't just want the team name on their favorite team's jersey - they wanted a single, simple cartoon drawing that showcases the environment of their stadium's surrounding area. And they wanted it bad. I am blaming the 1999's lockout as the roadblock that kept this trend from really catching on. That year with no basketball was our last chance to add a doodle of a tree to the Blazers uniforms or a little snowflake to those of the T'Wolves. But when the league came back, it became important to stay cool so they wouldn't lose more fans. And just like that we are left with a trend that, like Freaks and Geeks or Melissa Joan Heart's film career, was terminated before its time. A beautiful corpse, indeed. Cactus Jersey: Never Uniforget.

Could you imagine if the Padres busted these out and started wearing them again full time? Everyone would hate it. They would say, "The letters are lower case" and they would say "There are no buttons on that jersey" and they would say, "No other team is rocking brown and yellow uniforms for a reason" and they would all just be wrong. I don't need a rebuttal. If you look at those jerseys and don't fall in love then we will never see eye to eye on anything. A lot of uniforms are so similar these days that either you want to stand out you either have to look to the future or pull from the past. The Padres would immediately become my favorite team, especially if they all decided to go with the white kicks and crazy hair. On one hand, they say those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it, so I almost want to say that we should forget these uniforms so that maybe they might come back into style, but a day without thinking about these beauties would be too awful and not at all worth it. The Early 80s Padres: Never Uniforget. No, never, never, ever, don't you EVER THINK IT.

The Secret Life Of Rashard Lewis

When I started this blog in the mid-50s, steroids weren't even an issue. Athletes drank whiskey instead of Gatorade and smoked cigars at the plate and WE LIKED IT THAT WAY. But then as the Cansecos and Estalellas of the world started popping up, I said, "I'm not touching this." Lots of talk about bacne - didn't want anything to do with it. But then Rashard Lewis tests positive and the world gets confused and doesn't know what to say and I need to be the one at the party, when no one's talking, to clear my throat and demolish all awkwardness by saying, "Let's get this party started."

I mean, maybe nobody's talking about this because everyone realizes this is a fluke. Steroids in basketball aren't "a thing." But even if this isn't the beginning of some huge series of revelations about steroids in basketball, it is another weird thing about Rashard Lewis. So many notches on his "weird stuff about me" bedpost. Recap: named after Ahmad Rashad, was in the draft green room and didn't get picked until the second round, that chin thing he had going on last year, and now this. But the weirdest thing is probably his game. What are we supposed to make of a 6'10 power forward with no inside game who hangs around the 3-point line? The answer's pretty clear: he's from the future.

Obviously, he was a below average player in 2035, got his hands on a time machine and travelled back to the 90s to play high school ball and enjoy some of the hottest jams ever. In the future they just implant knowledge chips into your head, so he arrived before the one-year-of-college rule was put in place because college would be so boring to a man who knows everything. And in the future, everyone on the court can play every position. They're athletic, they can go outside and drive, they consider Manu Ginobli their Jordan. This is starting to make more sense. Plus, if Bill James is right, everyone in the future is going to be totally down with steroids.

Until he admits it, there's no way of knowing this for sure, but when he lives until he's 150 and everyone in 2035 is rocking some Pharaoh-looking chin-hair, I'll be nodding my head slowly with a smug grin and you all can bring me gifts and maybe I'll forgive you for doubting me.

“My game’s like the Pythagorean Theorem. It ain’t got no answer.” - Shaq

Shaquille O'Neal going to Cleveland was either kind of okay or really dumb, basketball-wise. Whatever. People seem to be ignoring the fact that this man is now teammates with this man. Shaq + Delonte West should be a goofy force to be reckoned with. It's like Batman was chilling at the Justice League of Goofy headquarters brooding off in the corner because he has no equal on the team ("get on my level, Martian Manhunter," he thought) and then all of a sudden Superman joins the squad and the two unique brands of goofball work together and learn from one another to better themselves and the world. Though they both deliver laffs, the two are very different. Shaq’s polished - he's been around a minute, he's made a tv show, he's fine-tuned his image. Delonte is wild, less self-aware and, like Batman, might actually be a crazy person.

We've all seen his new KFC parking lot freestyle video, right? Oh wait, no, the video has 7000 views and I have 14 million readers, so I guess not all of you have. Anyway, the video is classic Delonte: rambling, hilarious, borderline nonsensical. That's not to say it couldn't be improved. Take a look at the best NBA freestyle ever, as performed by Shaq. I think if you mix the good parts from both (Delonte's friend, Shaq having the Cheers theme song on his phone for some reason, Delonte's love of original recipe KFC, the fact that Shaq's video only goes for 45 seconds) you'd have the best thing of all time on your hands. I just hope that the two realize the great heights they can reach together (and not just because Shaq's so tall yuk yuk yuk).