Do You Reminember When Eminem Was Scary?

Was Eminem scary because he was scary or was he scary because I was like 12 when he was popular and even Christina Aguilera was scary? I mean, in a vacuum, singing about kidnapping and killing your wife while you hate gay people is scary. But that all came from the same person who sang this song and this song. As much as he was this angry guy who had an incredibly hard life, it's hard to take people seriously when they're toeing the line between pop act and furious guy who hates pop acts.

Like, scary movies are far less scary when you think about how when Rob Zombie yells "cut," the lady with the blood coming out of her mouth and the knife in her back and the arm chopped off can pull her arm out of her shirt where it was hiding and join Mr. Zombie at the craft services table and laugh at refereneces to Hollywood hotspots (and notspots) while they nibble on little cheese cubes on tooth picks. It is hard to be scared by Eminem when you realize he has the backing of a huge record company and that he was on Crank Yankers.

On the other hand, you see Eminem's friend and D12 band mate Proof was shot and killed and that Eminem got addicted to pills and arrested on gun charges and you think: wait this IS scary! But this is not Rap, Sports, and People Magazine, so enough talk about his personal life. Here's my ruling on Eminem's scariness: gray area! Case dismissed.

And now we can talk about what I wanted to talk about before you asked me how scary Eminem was. He killed it on this new Drake track. I mean, Drake continues to show promise, Kanye kind of sleeps through it but at least it's not autotuned, and Weezy calls himself a Martian which is just the best. So if the track ended there, we'd have something really good. But then Eminem comes in from nowhere, like some kind of crazy situation where he entered a basketball arena and no one noticed and then he suited up and no one noticed and then he was subbed into the game and no one on or off the court noticed, and then after a missed free throw he ran in from the three point line for a put-back jam and only with that dunk did anyone in the entire arena realize he was there. And now that they've realized, they are flipping out. A DJ in the crowd screeches the record that he's playing. Guys are wiping their eyes with their fists and going, "huh? HUH?" Grandmas are fainting.

Sure, there's a lot in there that you could point out is a little Eminemblematic of everything we've grown tired of with Shady. Like when he calls himself Shady. Or compares himself to Hannibal Lecter. But that's all kind of secondary to the intensity - which seems real - and more importantly, the flow, which is just nuts. Quick, cocky, on the brink of off-beat. For the first time in a while, he seems like this real person who is a hungry rapper instead of just a character going through the motions. Finally we get to see the real Eminem again. It's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer! Go Eminem! Keep it up!

Let Me Teach You About The Future Of Rap

Wow, it's almost a new decade! This was a big one - successful in all the fields covered by this blog (all the fields that matter). Ice Cream plateaued a while ago but, from 2000-2009, did not get any less delicious. Sports are a little more steroidy but overall, still really fun. Rap music made the biggest jump. More than an early Elaine to late Elaine jump. More than a Season 1 of The Office to Season 2 of The Office jump. More than a...okay, I'm only thinking of NBC sitcoms, but the point is that the jump was big. It went from one of a few big genres to THE genre in popular music. Go rap go!

So as we look at rap's second decade as top dog, it seems like rappers are going to be classified by new standards. Guys (and ladies) looking to hit it big will be influenced more by the biggest stars of the 00s - the guys who kept rap on top of the pop charts - than angrier MCs from the 90s like Ice Cube or old school acts like Run DMC. So let's examine the three biggest, most important, soon-to-be-most-influential rappers this decade: Kanye West, Jay-Z and Lil Wayne. Each became massive by completely embodying a different, unique characteristic. Please direct your attention to the chart below:


I saw Jay-Z at All Points West and at one point he asked us all to put our diamonds in the sky. We did and he just turned around and faced the band. I saw Kanye on the Glow in the Dark tour where he was full of himself enough to think we would care about his one man show about space travel and we did. I haven't seen Wayne's live show but it probably involves scary drugs and his trademark ever-shifting cadence (cuh-raaazy!). Those guys are all the best at being themselves.

So what I'm suggesting is that we can place all new rappers somewhere along one of those purple lines. Few will fall on that cocky/crazy side, most will set up shop on the cool/cocky axis. Great rappers like TI and Jeezy all the way down toup and comers try to work with some kind of spin on what has become the standard cocky/cool image. So in the teens it's going to become a little hard to do something fresh on that side. That's why that third side is where things are going to get really interesting.

If this Drake plays his cards right, he could dominate that third side. I have faith in this guy! A year ago, if you told me some Canadian kid from Degrassi would be doing interesting things in 09, I would have said, "TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE FUTURE. DO I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?" But once Lil Wayne took him under his wing, all bets were off. This could go anywhere. Rap is like some type of secret underground prisoner cage match battle royale: you never know what is going to happen when you throw a crazy person into the mix. Let's listen to "Best I Ever Had" (video's kind of NSFW, jeez). First of all, that video? HUH? But, the song: his voice change at 2:16? Awesome! That Andy Griffith line? This man could take us to strange new places.

Listen, children reading this blog, you will be tempted to tackle that cool/cocky angle. You think it will lead to women, to parties, to other things I am scared of. But if you want to really make your mark and influence rappers in the Roaring Twenties Part II, you are going to want to be a little crazy. Because you want to be rappers so you can get guys like me to write blog posts about you in between long rants about Ben and Jerrys flavors, right?

I Am Down With Big Brother As Long As It's Doing Important Things Like Watching Nipsey Hussle

On the school bus in elementary school, there was this big metal box hanging up by the driver next to the rear view mirror. They always told us it was a camera and that if we did anything bad, they'd have it on tape. I don't know if anyone really believed it was true, but it did make everyone hesitant to eat candy or take off their seatbelts or beat up the tiny kid in sweatpants who knew every name of every bounty hunter in the original Star Wars trilogy. As you could imagine, I liked that camera. I miss that camera. I want to create a similar camera that we can keep on LA rapper Nipsey Hussle.

He thinks nobody's watching him! I mean, let's be real, not that many people are watching him. But I've heard of him, and despite what people on the streets say, I do not have my finger on the pulse. If I know about you, you probably have been around so long you aren't cool anymore. Speaking of which, have you guys heard of this Eve character? So sassy!

But back to Nips. He thinks he can just go around stealing different things from different people, assembling those qualities into some kind of Frankenstein's Rapper, and nobody will notice. Let's run down all the things I noticed in his debut single, "Hussle In The House":

"Crazy motherfucker named Nipsey." Done before.

The name "Nipsey Hussle." Tweaked this.

That hairstyle? Taken from a classic.

That beat? Nothing new.

His whole persona? Come on.

Granted, I can't deny that the man has great taste in chapter books and Match Game contestants. Plus, the song is pretty good! So I'm not holding this against Mr. Hussle. But if putting some type of school bus camera on him will help him grow and develop as an independent, unique rapper, then let's make sure he thinks he's being watched. I hear he's been eating candy and leaving the wrappers under the seat, too, so let's just kill two birds, etc.

No, YOU'RE Overreacting!

There aren't many things I hate (as if!) but one thing I definitely hate is acoustic covers of rap songs.

Listen, I know there are times when you and your girlfriends are just having a chill night in, watching a movie, no big deal, but then the movie ends and you're talking about boys and you're a little tipsy but "whatever, I'm just going to call Johnathan and tell him how I feel" and he doesn't recognize your number or your voice and you hear some other girl trying to lure him away from the phone with her skanky hips and you hang up and you're bummed and you need something to sing along to - something that's a little sad and a little funny and a little ironic so you put on Nina Gordon doing "Straight Outta Compton" and you sing along and you laugh because you've got great friends and you're LOVING LIFE.

But understand that there will come a day when you realize your error in song choice and you will look up and shout, "Save us Ben! Save us from our terrible taste in music!" and I'll whisper "no."

Just kidding, who cares what you listen to! But I do have a problem with acoustic rap covers. When you take a song like a "Whatever You Like" and perform it like this, you are not saying, "This is a great song and I want to put my own spin on it." You're saying, "See how much better this song is when it's whispered with an acoustic guitar? See how I turned this song you are scared of into something you can handle? I'm so clever! Also, I just said the n word hahaha."

It's just so obnoxious and arrogant to think you're making a song better by removing all the attitude and identity of the song and making those things the punchline ("It's funny because I'm a white girl and I'm talking about popping bottles!") or replacing those things with "meaning." Make something that's meaningful on its own merit, guys!

So here is my plea: if you're going to do a cover of a rap song, don't try to be cute and make it sad. Have some fun! Scream, "I HAVE A STAND-UP BASS AND I WANT TO PARTY" and bust a move forever and ever.

Never Stop Jockin On Them Haters, Man

Listen, I read long books, I eat lots of seafood, and I wear soft sweaters in the wintertime, but that doesn't mean I'm better than you. Just SO much fancier. It's why when I hosted a dinner party last week where my guests and I ate gold-plated chucken cutlets and explained to one another why certain New Yorker cartoons were funny, my friend Thurston was surprised about my soundtrack choice for the evening. Thursty Thurst was like, "Ben, whatever are we listening to?"

And I said, "SOULJA BOY TELL EM!"

Totally understandable why he's not completely respected. Not the best singer, not the best rapper, a little bit annoying, has a name that's like two words too long - there's a lot to hate on - but whatever! Did you listen to that song up there? The dude makes really fun singles. He kind of realizes he can coast by on hot beats, but he actually gets really hot beats and then coasts like a pro. Does he say anything in that entire song that means anything? I don't know, I was too busy breaking it down.

iSouljaboytellem is more or less a bunch of filler + "Turn My Swag On" + "Kiss Me Thru The Phone." But those two singles are so incredible. I mean, "Kiss Me Thru The Phone" is about a step and a half away from something *NSYNC would have done a decade ago (speaking of which, a decade? WHAAAT? Where has Chris Kirkpatrick been all this time?). Super slick production, corny lyrics, slow delivery so 14 year-old girls can sing along at Jingle Ball. The fact that he raps it makes it edgy by Top 40 standards, but really, we're dealing with bubblegum pop here. And he kills it just like *NSYNC would have, because *NSYNC was bomb.

At this point I find it even hard to judge "Crank Dat." I hated it, but then I was beaten over the head by it and taken capture by its steel drums and lyrics about YOOUUUUU and soon enough I started feeling a loyalty to my captor, regardless of the danger or risk in which it had placed me. Now I don't mind listening to it.

But back to the *NSYNC thing: it really is important ("important," I understand we're only talking about Soulja Boy here, but still) to realize that looking at this as anything other than pop music is a huge mistake. This is not socially conscious rap or gangsta rap or any kind of rap made to show off lyrical skill or wordplay or some kind of precision on the mic. He's not going to be featured on the next Talib Kweli single. That's just not who he is. I feel like who he is is really this outrageous 19 year old kid who likes to party and sing poorly but sometimes that is the exact right combination for a perfect pop song.

I'm just drawn towards music that makes me feel something (because I just want to feel something, ANYTHING, you guys). I like this because it makes me feel sad and I like this because it makes me feel happy and I like Soulja Boy because he makes me feel like opening a club on top of a mountain where all we do is play synth-driven bangers and sing along while we grind. And that's a really good thing!

Movies Can Be So Much Better

Adam Sandler, I'm sure you live in a house as big as the one owned by your character in Funny People. I mean, you don't live alone - you have a wife and kids - so that's nice. But know that that house is made of "high pitched nonsense words" bricks and "unfunny things that remain unfunny even though you're singing them" mortar. Yuck. What you need to do is look at and learn from the performances in that movie by the RZA and Eminem, who both destroyed and proved once again that rappers are the best actors. Let's get some more rappers starring in movies! Here are some ideas for rapper-starring remakes, Hollywood. I don't need to get paid for these but you can build me a house of Sandler proportions out of "great ideas" aluminum siding.

Cam'ron in the 24 1/2th Century
This Daffy Duck cartoon, starring Killa Cam.

Reasonable Doubt
Doubt was pretty successful, but I think we can do better. Let's get Jay-Z in the Philip Seymour Hoffman role, Lil Mama in the Amy Adams role and Missy Elliot filling in for Meryl Streep. I also want Memphis Bleek to play the priest's hype man (I don't want to stretch Bleek too much and Hoffman's character totally had a hype man, right?).

Young Men In Black
Young Jeezy as Will Smith, Young Buck as Tommy Lee Jones.
Jeezy: You know the difference between you and me? I'm a good rapper and you are not.