We All Missed National Spumoni Day This Year. That Should Never Happen Again.

A young man rides his bike down a dusty dirt road. He sees a broken down car. "If you can fix her, you can have her" says a sign on the window. So he works. He cleans it, he paints it, he buys one of those little wheelie things to slide under it. He fixes it. Well, with the help of the good folks at Autozone.
Still, this royal pine smelling young man is a hero. He saw something broken down that used to beautiful, knew it could be beautiful once more, and MADE IT SO. Spumoni, everybody. If you can fix her, you can have her (more often).

Now, spumoni itself is perfect. But here's what needs fixing: right now, nobody's eating it. Sure, there are enthusiasts and Italians enjoying this tasty mix of cherry, chocolate and pistachio, but it is not the staple at supermarkets or local ice cream parlors that it should be. I mean, this dessert-related article is a stub. You can help Wikipedia by expanding it or you can help the WORLD by promoting the cause. If more people know about spumoni, more people will want spumoni, spumoni will be more readily available, and I can live the dream of continuously shoveling spumoni into my mouth until I overdose on tastiness and my head explodes from brain freeze.

So how are we going to do this? We have 360something days until August 21, 2010, which is National Spumoni Day for some reason. Let's work out a game plan.

Phase One: Out of date knock off posters. I want these everywhere. And I want you using your color printer. Step it up, guys, come on.

Phase Two: Public viewings of this movie, every week. Your local theater, the town square, on the face of the moon, wherever. The legality of such a screening, the spumoni-related content of this film, and Donald Faison's strength as a leading man are all questionable, sure, but this is an important step. The word "spumoni" needs to be on the tip of everyone's tongue all the time.

Phase Omega: This one is so important, we're dumping the naming system we've established thus far. For Phase Omega we are all agreeing to wear pink shirts, brown shorts and green knee socks every single day until all the major ice cream companies make spumoni their number one priority. See below:



Look at how happy he is! Come on, I know we can do this. Hands in, everybody. 3, 2, 1, SPUMONI!

What Does My Ice Cream Say About Me? (So Much.)

A man once told me, "Image is everything, Ben." That man was Austyn St. Halfpipe, marketing director for (among other wonderful companies) Monster Energy, Kawasaki and Amp'd Mobile. As a result of that conversation, whenever I blog, I am contractually obligated to wear this jacket.

But even outside of my life as an internet celeb, my image is important. I can't be caught wearing the wrong jeans, holding hands with the wrong women, giving money to the wrong bums and hobos. Lately, this inner-dilemma has extended to my ice cream. I love Ben & Jerry's. First I only bought their ice cream because it was seemingly named after me and my best friend but then I actually opened one of the containers and wow, so good! The problem, however, is that they are coming out with these flavors named after the worst people: Phish Food, Dave Matthews Band Magic Brownies, Almond Joy Behar. Enough!

I don't want to go into why these bands are the worst, just trust me that they are. And if you disagree, go play with your hackeysack and dance in the grass until the bottoms of your feet are black GOOD DAY. The question is: how poorly does it reflect on me if I am seen at Wawa buying ice cream sponsored by this man? It's not as if I'm wearing his shirt when I go to the checkout line - I'm probably wearing pajamas when I buy this ice cream. I'm not giving them money from a Phish brand signature hemp wallet - I'm giving them quarters and crumpled up dollar bills and lint from my pj pockets. And it's not like I'm coming into that Wawa smelling like DMB endorsed shampoo - I probably haven't showered in days.

You know, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I have some personal issues more pressing than the names on my ice cream. I'm going to go for a ride on my Kawasaki and do some thinking about the choices I've made in my life. But while I'm popping wheelies and counting my regrets, hit me up on my Amp'd Mobile hotline with a message letting me know (a) if I should continue buying these flavors and (b) if you think you can find a drink that gets you more stoked than Monster Energy. Unlikely! Monster: UNLEASH THE BEAST.

Seriously, If We Can Clone Things, I Think We Can Make Me Some Cherry Soft Serve

Sure, there are times when I sit on my couch, alone, and eat a pint of ice cream while watching the 2 am Cheers rerun on the Hallmark channel (fine, it's every night, but finding dates is hard AM I RIGHT LADIES?). And when I eat that pint, I want chunks of stuff in it. I want candy in it. I want marshmallows in it. I want nuts in it. If you give me some pretzels in it, I might start slapping the sides of my head because IT'S TOO DELICIOUS.

But when I'm eating ice cream out in the world (which is too rare, but I'll take it when I can get it AM I RIGHT
LADIES?), I want some soft serve. I can get regular ice cream at the store whenever, but if I can get soft serve, I'm going to get some soft serve. Try and stop me. I am never let down by vanilla soft serve, or chocolate, or a twist or...oh wait, THOSE ARE THE ONLY FLAVORS.

This doesn't make any sense, and the more I think about it, the angrier I get. I want some strawberry soft serve! I want some raspberry soft serve! Granted, there's not a ton of flavors we're missing - most are of the berry variety - but we need options. And I know they're out there. They're just sitting there on the Wikipedia page. How have I never seen it in real life? Readers, tell me where I can get some. I would Google it but the internet is hard AM. I. RIGHT. LADIES?