Wednesday, August 12, 2009

What Does My Ice Cream Say About Me? (So Much.)

A man once told me, "Image is everything, Ben." That man was Austyn St. Halfpipe, marketing director for (among other wonderful companies) Monster Energy, Kawasaki and Amp'd Mobile. As a result of that conversation, whenever I blog, I am contractually obligated to wear this jacket.

But even outside of my life as an internet celeb, my image is important. I can't be caught wearing the wrong jeans, holding hands with the wrong women, giving money to the wrong bums and hobos. Lately, this inner-dilemma has extended to my ice cream. I love Ben & Jerry's. First I only bought their ice cream because it was seemingly named after me and my best friend but then I actually opened one of the containers and wow, so good! The problem, however, is that they are coming out with these flavors named after the worst people: Phish Food, Dave Matthews Band Magic Brownies, Almond Joy Behar. Enough!

I don't want to go into why these bands are the worst, just trust me that they are. And if you disagree, go play with your hackeysack and dance in the grass until the bottoms of your feet are black GOOD DAY. The question is: how poorly does it reflect on me if I am seen at Wawa buying ice cream sponsored by this man? It's not as if I'm wearing his shirt when I go to the checkout line - I'm probably wearing pajamas when I buy this ice cream. I'm not giving them money from a Phish brand signature hemp wallet - I'm giving them quarters and crumpled up dollar bills and lint from my pj pockets. And it's not like I'm coming into that Wawa smelling like DMB endorsed shampoo - I probably haven't showered in days.

You know, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I have some personal issues more pressing than the names on my ice cream. I'm going to go for a ride on my Kawasaki and do some thinking about the choices I've made in my life. But while I'm popping wheelies and counting my regrets, hit me up on my Amp'd Mobile hotline with a message letting me know (a) if I should continue buying these flavors and (b) if you think you can find a drink that gets you more stoked than Monster Energy. Unlikely! Monster: UNLEASH THE BEAST.


  1. oh man i am kind of surprised you don't like phish. is it cool to hate phish (like dmb) and i just missed it? anyway, i don't think you can really be a ben & jerry's fan unless you embrace their vermont hippy jam band aesthetic. so stop lying and saying you love it because you don't!!!! do you hate cows too? probably. i say keep on buying phish food bc it has been around since '97 so is obviously good and keep on buying the dmb kind too bc i'm sure that can be done ironically if the right birkenstocks joke is made. what? you didn't really want people to answer these questions? - hugetreyfan0504

  2. of course i like cows. you are wrong about everything!