Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tarvaris Jackson Has Had A Tough Week

Oh man, everyone's talking about Brett Favre! I don't know about you (I know everything about you because I know all five of you readers personally), but I have gotten soooo many MySpace bulletins. Everybody's talking about how he skipped camp, how annoying all the coverage is, how John David Booty changed his number from 4 to 9, but no one is talking about how this is the second huge blow this week to former Vikings starting quarterback Tarvaris Jackson.

Let me put this in terms you understand: in middle schools across this great country, young guys with their sleeves rolled up are teaching history classes and being crushed on so heavy by you and your friends who, like you, are 12 year-old girls. These guys are putting up posters of Bob Dylan on their classroom walls and playing CSNY's "Ohio" while you free-write about the Constitution. They are hitting on the new English teacher while you're waiting for the fire safety assembly to start. They are pulling up next to your minivan on the way to dance class, and you are mouthing to your mom, "Oh my God, it's Mr. Carnazza," but then you are noticing that the new English teacher is in the passenger seat, and you are devastated.

Well stop crying! That was not your last chance at love! And this was not Tarvaris Jackson's last chance at rocking the NFL with his blend of passing and running skills. But it feels like it, right? Now that does not mean you and Tarvaris shouldn't take some time to write angry diary entries. I just want you and Tarvaris to know you will come out of this with newfound confidence. Pain is sometimes necessary and in this case, it will lead to Tarvaris becoming more focused than ever and regaining his starting role next year and you mustering up the courage to ask Todd Lipschultz to the Winter Ball in between science and gym.

But if that wasn't enough (and that is definitely enough because what I am about to say is so dumb) Tarvaris took a tough break in the virtual world of Madden football when Michael Vick was signed by the Philadelphia Eagles. I was all set for the Vikings to be my go-to team this year. As someone with no skill in the game, I really enjoyed sending all my receivers to the left and then scrambling to the right with Tarvaris. Oops, you could beat me now if we played online. Oh wait, only NERDS play online and I'm not a NERD, NERDS. I cannot win in Madden by calling smart plays, so I exploit all the holes I can find and stretch any kind of realism the game might have. Which is why Philly signing Vick blew my mind. Two running quarterbacks on the team, plus a great running back, solid defense and awesome new wide receiver all running some kind of kooky Wildcat offense? OKAY! Sure, there's some lingering discomfort and general ickyness about playing with Vick, who did things too horrible and serious to mention in a blog with "Ice Cream" in the title, know, actually, there's really no but. I feel kind of awful. Still: I think I'm going to be playing with the Eagles a lot. Sorry.

So here's where Tarvaris stands: not starting in real life, not starting on my XBox, probably sighing and frowning a lot while carrying the clipboard on the sidelines. Well I hope he keeps his chin up, secure in the knowledge that his cool history teacher is not the only fish in the sea. Wait, no, someone clear up that metaphor for me. I'm lost.

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